Leave Yourself Behind
by Briandelight
Summary: They were best friends who used to do everything together, years later they've lost contact and don't even like to think of each other. When they run into each other again, will they be able to mend what they once had or is it too late? OS M for language
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: They were best friends who used to do everything together, years later they've lost contact and don't even like to think of each other. When they run into each other again, will they be able to mend what they once had or is it too late?**

**AN: Hi, I'm back with a little something, something. This had been bugging me for a while and has been written for a while now but I couldn't bring myself to post it. It didn't feel right, until recently, so I decided to just grow a pair and post it. **

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><p>Leave Yourself Behind<p>

_BPOV_

I thought back to all those times we both had a shot to say what was on our mind, how nothing was said. We chose the path we went down and it tore us apart. It started off one day at a time, we began speaking less and less, then when we all left for college, days turned into weeks, then months, and finally, we just stopped altogether. There was no more contact between us, no more messages, no more inside jokes or endless quotes. All the silly giggling went away. Now the only time I hear about her is when our friends mention something about her in passing.

I really try not to think about it too much because it really hurts to remember how we both screwed up. There have been times where I've thought about contacting her, but there's always that little bit of me that remembers how it hurt. No, I'd rather just hear about how she is from our friends.

"Hey," Alice's voice brings me back to the little café where we're having lunch. "You left for a while back, where'd you go? Her eyes held nothing but a soft concern for me. She knows, she was there through it all, she managed to keep the lines of communication open with both of us. After everything happened, she really became my best friend.

"Yeah," I muttered, shaking my head. "Sorry, I was just remembering…" I couldn't finish, my throat felt tight. "Just thinking about some stuff, no big deal." My smile didn't quite reach my eyes.

"Okay." She dropped the subject, knowing exactly who and what I was thinking about. "So I was saying that I was thinking about throwing a party to celebrate our new jobs. Mostly for you because you're the one who struck gold."

"Well, if you want to throw a party then go for it but don't do it on my account. You got a pretty awesome job yourself." She finally landed a job in a middle school as a counselor, she'd been all over the place when she'd found out, attacking both myself and her new boyfriend, Jasper.

"Okay, fine," she conceded. "So are you game?"

"Yeah, sounds like fun."

…

A month. It took Alice a whole month to plan the party. She'd spouted some crap about wanting to get to know some people at work first before throwing a grand party. Apparently, it would be better to have co-workers there. In all honestly, I thought she had something up her sleeve. She was always telling me that I needed a man and constantly tried to set me up with every guy she knew, even some friends of her current squeeze. I really loved the girl but she couldn't make a love match for others if her life depended on it.

The week of the party finally came. Alice was acting even stranger than usual. She wouldn't really answer my questions about who she had invited. "Just a couple co-workers and some old friends from high school that are moving into the area." That was always her answer.

I didn't really think too much of it, I would find out soon enough and if it got really bad, I could always get shit-faced and erase the whole night from my memory. If I was being honest with myself, I was actually excited for the party. I'd worked my ass off these past ten months, finishing up everything I needed for college and my internship at Aster Publishing. It paid off though; I'd graduated in the top percentage and gotten the editing job I'd been dying for. I probably wouldn't have gotten it if the editor I'd been working under hadn't decided to open her own practice. I couldn't believe when I'd gotten a call from Siobhan and jumped on board without a second thought.

"Great, you're here!" Alice threw the door open before I could even knock and pulled me inside. "People are due to arrive soon, go sit down with Jasper while I fix us up something to drink."

Sure enough, the apartment started filling up with people and soon, it was so hard to carry on a conversation without having to shout over other voices and music.

"So then I tell Alice that she needs to calm down and just…" One of Alice's co-workers, Maggie, I think was her name, was talking about the ridiculous situations her students put her through. We were all laughing when Jasper walked over to us with the last person I'd ever thought I'd see.

Shit. My smile faded and I felt all the blood in my body trickle out through my fingers and toes. I couldn't believe she was here. Alice hadn't mentioned anything about her coming to visit. Then something even worse occurred to me; what if she was moving into the area?

I couldn't handle this. I could already feel that painful constriction in my chest, the one that only occurred when I thought back to that day that had finally finished our friendship for good.

She gave a tentative smile and greeted everyone in the little group. Finally, her eyes settled back on me. They were wide and full of emotions that I couldn't or didn't want to understand.

"Hi, Bella," she said quietly, I struggled to hear her words over all the noise around us.

I looked from her to Alice then back again, trying to understand what was happening. Alice was silently begging me to say something back, to do something other than stare blankly at my ex-best friend. I was frozen in my spit and my lips felt like lead. It seemed like years passed before I finally managed to choke out that single word.

"Rosalie."

We just stood there, looking at each other without really saying anything, I couldn't really believe I was actually looking at her, it seemed a lifetime ago that I'd last seen her. I wasn't sure exactly why she was here, but having her stand in front of me caused my chest to tighten with emotion.

"So, Rosalie," Alice's co-worker spoke up again, thankfully breaking me out of the state of shock I was in. They all started making small talk, Alice kept looking at me as if I was going to run screaming from the room, which still was a possibility after what I'd just felt.

"I need another drink," I muttered to no one in particular and walked off toward the kitchen.

I leaned against the counter, trying to even my breathing. This night was going to require a lot of alcohol to get through, not to mention forget.

I eventually wandered back to the party, stopping to talk with Angela, an old friend who'd come back to the area and Kate, another employee for Siobhan's new publishing house. I avoided Alice and Rosalie like the plague and lost track of how many drinks I'd had. Before I knew it, the night was over and we were saying goodbye to everyone.

The people leaving seemed to be walking funny and the room appeared to be tilting for some reason. I felt Alice grab my arm and found her face to be fuzzy. I was starting to feel dizzy, no doubt because of how much alcohol I'd consumed. My eyes began to close but shot open when I felt myself tipping back. I tried to grab onto something but ended up with a handful of shirt. I was being picked up by someone, Jasper I think. I couldn't be too sure, my eyes were too cloudy to really make out more than blond hair. The last thing I saw was the top of the stairs before everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

Pounding.

Shit.

It felt like someone was going at it with a hammer inside my head. Goddamn, how much alcohol had I had last night? I didn't remember much besides a good party. There'd been a lot of people and then…? I fought to remember. Alcohol always made me act stupid; I hoped I hadn't done anything crazy. Last time I'd drank, I ended up dancing on my coffee table while belting out show tunes. Wait, why had I drank so much in the first place? Everything was going great, I'd been having fun, why _did_ I drink so much?

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. All the memories, the surprise visitor of last night, the feelings of regret, and then all I felt was anger. Why did she have to come back now? I'd finally managed to get past all that drama and my feelings.

_No_, I wasn't going to let this get to me all over again. She was Alice's friend, not mine. We had stopped being friends long ago. I wasn't going to let this drag me back to those horrible feelings. It was in the past. I was a grown woman and I would have to deal with the fact that I may be seeing Rosalie around. I couldn't spend my life running, I'd have to confront this at some point, and as far as I was concerned, it was now or never.

I found some headache pills to help with the pounding hangover and got some coffee started. Alice was sitting at the dining from table, reading the paper like she did every morning.

"Hey, Bell, I didn't expect you up so early this morning." She looked up at me, setting the newspaper down. "Or to look as alive as you do. You were pretty gone last night. You even sang to Jazz about how handsome and strong he was." She was totally smirking. She knew very well I would most likely not remember what I'd done or how big a fool I'd made myself seem. She was gloating. Who knew someone so small could hold her liquor so well?

"Shut up," I muttered, pouring myself a cup of liquid heaven. "Speaking of which, where's Jasper?"

"Doughnut run."

"Oh."

"Should be back any minute now." As she said it, the front door shit and heavy footsteps could be heard coming through the apartment.

"Hey, Alice, look who I found at the bakery." Jasper called out from the doorway. I was too busy pouring myself a second cup to really pay attention to what he was talking about but as soon as I turned around, I sure as hell figured it out. Rosalie was here, standing just behind Jasper.

"Oh, hey, Rose," Alice motioned them inside. "You want some coffee or something? "Um, no thanks. I already ate." She turned to me. "Hey, Bella."

"Hey," I grabbed a maple bar from the box Jasper still held, busying myself with it.

Alice, Rosalie and Jasper began talking about Rosalie's move into the city, which eventually, somehow, lead back to last night. Thankfully, I was not the main point in that conversation so I excused myself and went to shower.

Showers had always been able to relax me, so when I came out, I was feeling much better about everything that was going on. I actually felt like I could handle the situation with Rosalie, maybe we could be friends again. Not like we used to but maybe we could try.

Downstairs, they'd moved their conversation to the living room and Jasper was nowhere to be seen, smart man. I stood just out of their line of sight and watched Rosalie. She'd looked good. There wasn't really anything different in her appearance but there was a difference in the way she held herself, I could see that now. She looked happy, a lot happier since I'd last seen her years ago. Alice looked up toward where I stood just outside the doorway and motioned me over. I started to panic but managed to calm myself down, remembering that I was trying to put the past behind and get to know Rosalie again.

"Hey, girls," I smiled, _I can do this. I can do this._

"Hey, Bella, Rose and I were talking and we thought we could get together and have an early dinner tonight, maybe catch up on everything that's happened these last couple years." Alice I swear I could kill you right now.

"Um," I knew I'd decided to move on and everything but this may have been too much. I wasn't sure I was ready for this quite yet.

"Come on, Bella, please. It'll be fun." I hated when she did that. She knew as well as I that she would get her way. Damn.

"Yeah, okay." The smile that graced my face was definitely forced. I was not looking forward to this.

"Great! I'll text you the address later, Rose." They both stood, and Alice walked Rosalie out. I stayed where I was, trying to think of a way to get out of this dinner. "So, you want to tell me what's going on in that head of yours, Bella?" I hadn't heard Alice walk back into the room.

"Honestly, I'm not entirely sure myself." I sighed, plopping down onto the couch. "I'm trying to put everything that's happened behind me, but it's always easier said than done."

"Well, I'm proud of you, Bella. I wasn't sure how you would take the news of her return but this isn't something I was expecting. I know she's missed you just as much as you've missed her. You two really need to talk, that's the only way you're ever going to be able to get past it all."

Could we really sit there and rehash everything that had happened? Somehow, I doubted I would be able to do it but understood what she was saying. We needed closure; we would never work past this if it wasn't all out of the way. "I know, Alice. I'm… I'll try." I sighed in what felt like defeat and resignation. We both just sat there, staring at nothing. Each lost in thought.

…

**Florence Amadis, 7PM. Reservations under my name. ~Alice**

Great. Nice of Alice to give me a call, not. She knew how bad I was panicking right now and all she could do was send me the dinner information? Not cool, Alice, not cool at all. I took a few cleansing breaths and looked at my watch. Only 45 minutes to go.

My already clean apartment looked impeccable due to my obsessive, nervous cleaning. I tried looking for something else to do but could find nothing. I guess I'd have to go get dressed and mentally prepare myself for what was to come.

Thirty minutes later, I was smoothing down my coat and heading out, keys in hand. The restaurant was a nice little place, I'd come here on a couple occasions but never one I'd had so many reservations about attending. The hostess led me to our table and I sat, alone, wondering how I was going to make it through. _Enough. You wanted to do this._

Rosalie was the first to arrive. We didn't say much while we ordered our wine and waited for Alice.

"Um," I hedged, unsure of what to say to break the uncomfortable silence. "I'm sure Alice is just running late. I'll, uh, text her and see what's going on."

**Where the hell are you? ~B**

I didn't have to wait too long for a response.

**Something came up. Can't make it tonight, sorry. Have a glass of wine for me, though. ~Alice**

Goddam it Alice. "Alice can't make it, apparently something came up." I looked at my glass of wine, playing with the stem. "Maybe we should leave this for another time."

"No," Rosalie's reply was soft. "Let's stay. I can catch up with Alice another time. There's no reason why our evening should be spoiled."

_You need this_. "Okay." I took a deep breath and a big sip of wine.

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><p><strong>AN: Hate me yet for cutting it off before Rose and Bella can really have any interactions? <strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**This is it, you ready? **

**Kinda long AN at the end. See you there. **

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><p>"So how've you been these last couple years?"<p>

I've been good. I finished my nursing program not too long ago. The school actually set up an interview for me down here when I mentioned I was planning on moving back after graduation."

"Wow," I was actually having a normal conversation with Rosalie. There wasn't the urge to run and hide like there used to, maybe we were making small progress. "Nursing? I thought you wanted to go pre law?"

"Yeah, turns out I hate the law. I like the idea of it better than the actual job. What about you?"

"I just got a job at a new publishing house." Glorious food; thank goodness for Latin cuisine. "It's pretty small but I really like it."

"That's great." Rosalie looked down, her lips pressing into a thin line. "Bella, I…" She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. "What happened to us? We used to be so close and now look at us. We haven't spoken in years." Her breath rushed out, leaving her slumped against the semi uncomfortable chairs.

I was completely taken aback. She wanted to talk about that now? We were just beginning to feel comfortable with one another and she wanted to examine what went wrong between us? I'd spent a lot of time over the past four years thinking about what it could have been but I could never quite pinpoint the exact moment in time or the event.

"I guess we just fell through around the time when we stopped being honest with each other. There was too much secrecy and lying for us to really keep being friends."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth I realized that that was exactly what happened. Our relationship had never had any secrets. We told each other everything, no matter how hard or stupid it was. When we started holding back, we didn't know how to act around each other, our friendship couldn't take it. We saw it crumbling around us and never did anything about it.

"Why?" The word was carried on a small whisper. The word worth a million dollars and a broken friendship.

"I'm not sure, it could have been anything. The secrets, the sneaking around, the avoiding. I'm just," I took a moment to gather my courage and finally say what I'd wanted to say for so long. "I'm tired, Rosalie. I'm tired of holding back, of being angry, of feeling guilty. I want to move on, we deserve to move on."

I felt like crying, and sighing, and laughing. For so long I'd been carrying those doubts and feelings that now, when I'd finally let it all out, I felt so light, drained but light. It was such a confusing place to be; I didn't know what to do.

"I'm sorry, Bella, for everything. It's my fault; I should have been honest from the beginning. I just got so caught up in everything and lost myself. I didn't see what I was doing was wrong and hurtful to everyone else. It took me a long time to finally get the courage to end it all. I'm not sure if I would've listened to you but I am sorry that I did what I did to you. You shouldn't have been affected by my poor choices but most of all, I'm sorry you've felt guilty. You didn't do anything wrong and you have every right to be angry with me."

Her eyes were shining unshed tears and her voice cracked at the end of her speech. It was clear that she regretted everything just as much as I did but I was frozen. I didn't think I was capable of speaking without breaking down but there was so much I wanted to say.

Clearing my throat, I gathered my whit's and managed to push the words out. "It wasn't just you, it was my fault, too. Even if you hadn't listened to me, it would've meant that I'd tried. It wouldn't have happened like it did. It killed me to see you become the shell of the girl I used to know. You were my best friend but that all changed and I didn't; see it until it was too late. I was too busy trying to push down the feelings of jealousy to notice and then I was too embarrassed of my feelings to tell you everything. I am just as much to blame for everything."

"Why would you be jealous?"

"Because," I matched her broken whisper with my own. "Because you had Royce. He was the guy every girl wanted and all the guys wanted to be. I wanted him just as bad, so when he asked you out, I couldn't shake my resentment. No matter how many times I told myself I should be happy for you, that he chose you. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It ate at me for the longest time and when I finally got over myself, I started noticing how you'd changed. You weren't happy and carefree anymore, you were withdrawn and somber. You were never truly happy again. The only thing I saw between you two were fights and problems you excused or blamed yourself for. I blamed him for doing that to you and I was angry with you for putting up with it. I was just a stupid kid, I didn't know how to tell you or if I was even right for feeling the way I did."

I was a wreck. I'd finally said everything I'd been too afraid to say and it felt like my heart was now out in the open waiting for her to tear it to shreds. I wasn't sure how she would take to hearing this, she certainly never knew how mad I'd been that it was her and not me. I was inches away from breaking down all over again.

"I… I didn't know." Her hands quickly swiped at the tears threatening to fall. "I wish I could say that if I'd known I would have turned Royce down but I was so self-absorbed at the time that I'm not sure I could have. I never noticed how you were feeling, only how happy I was to have the king of the school. I didn't even notice I'd pushed you away until you were gone. He changed me; he monopolized me to the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. I'm better now, though. I broke it off and found myself again."

"I'm sorry, Rose." I leaned over and hugged her tightly.

It occurred to me that I hadn't allowed myself to think of her as Rose for a very long time. Rose had been my best friend, she'd stopped being the Rose I knew and at some point had become Rosalie to me. Goddamn heart wrenching emotions had me wanting to cry all over again.

I'm sorry, too. For everything."

We took a few minutes to get ourselves together.

"So, nursing?" I gave a watery laugh.

"Yes. Go figure, right?"

"Hmm," Rose moved to wipe her tears and running makeup away. Something in the movement caught my eye and it only took a second to register what it was. "You're engaged?"

"Yeah," her face lit up. "It's kind of a new development. I've been dating Emmett McCarthy for about two years now, he proposed to me almost three months ago. He's coming down next month when he's gotten everything settled with his job."

Wow. I was not expecting that after what we'd just talked about. It was nice to have something lighten the mood after all the heavy we'd had. I looked at her closely, taking in everything that I hadn't allowed myself before now. She really did look happy. The old Rose from high school might not ever fully be back but there was the same glint in her eyes, the same carefree smile but now there was a glow she never had. It was obvious to me that she really liked this guy but what surprised me more was that I was happy for her. I was happy that she finally got the happiness she deserved. I couldn't help but smile at her glowing face.

"What? Why are you smiling so big?"

"I'm really happy for you, Rose. I'm glad you've found someone who makes you happy." I paused for a second then decided to take the plunge. "I hope you find everything you deserve with him."

"I have it all, Bella." She nodded her head. "He makes me happy, really happy. He's nothing like Royce, he's perfect for me."

I just smiled at her. She had been missing from my life for so long, it felt good to have her back. We didn't stay much longer, opting for walking around the city venter for a while, talking and catching up on the things we'd missed out on. As the night drew to an end, Rose turned to me.

"You want to have coffee with me this Wednesday? We could invite Alice and just hang out for a while after my interview."

"Yeah, that sounds like fun. We could show you around some of the new areas, too, if you'd like." The last bit came out more like a question but I didn't have to worry about it too much.

"I'd like that."

"I'll see you Wednesday then." I nodded to her, hands deep in my pockets.

"Okay. Bye, Bella."

Walking back towards my apartment, I couldn't help but smile. We'd worked it out and gotten a second chance. The warmth in her voice and smile when she'd said goodbye erased any doubts that lingered, giving me hope. We were healing; maybe we could have what we used to have again. I thought about our upcoming plans and grinned, no longer afraid or uncertain of anything in my past, present or future.

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><p><strong>AN: <strong>**Wow, was that emotional for anyone else? I've never written anything really like that, and I have to say, it took a whole lot out of me. Trying to capture their emotions into words and how jumbled they felt was a lot harder than I originally thought it would be. I hope I effectively showed how they were kind of going up, down, back and forth between emotions. For them it was one of those moments where you feel everything, so you end up not knowing exactly what you're feeling at the time. Rose was in the same boat as Bella, I hope you guys got it in the way she expressed herself. **


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